the real kwon (bookelfe) wrote,
the real kwon

[personal profile] shati has seen much more Bollywood than I have, so sometimes I make her come over and show me Bollywood movies. Last Sunday, we watched Fanaa.

The first hour of Fanaa is about how beautiful blind dancer Zooni goes on her first trip to Delhi without her parents, and learns how to make her own decisions, and grows as a person, and falls in love with her tour guide Rehan.

Conflict: Rehan is a playboy who skips work and doesn't believe in love! Zooni's having a hard time getting in touch with her parents to ask them what they think about this relationship! Her best friend disapproves of Rehan, probably because she recognizes the inherent sleaze factor of his unfortunately mullet-esque hairstyle!

Right in the middle of Rehan and Zooni's second romantic musical number, Shati says, "I want you to note that this is the point where I got bored with the movie the first time I watched it and turned it off."


Zooni and Rehan get engaged! Zooni gets an operation that cures her blindness! While she is in the operating room, Rehan runs out to do ... something ... and is caught in the middle of the explosion of a major government building and presumed dead, BUT IN FACT he faked his own death ... BECAUSE HE IS THE TERRORIST MASTERMIND WHO EXPLODED THE BUILDING!

"SORRY FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, ZOONI," declaims Rehan, dramatically tears up her photo, and then disappears back into terrorist-land for seven years! Goodbye, playboy mullet!

(Meanwhile Zooni is promptly hustled out of the operating room and INTO THE MORGUE to identify Rehan's corpse. It's OK, she might have been blind ten minutes ago, but she can identify his scarf by feel.)

Seven years later: Terrorist Rehan's terrorist grandfather's terrorist organization has a new plot, involving EVEN MORE explosions. Rehan's job in this plot is to infiltrate the army by pretending to be a dead soldier, steal a nuclear bomb-related terrorist MacGuffin, and then poison everyone in his unit who might recognize him! Which he does!

(I am very unclear on why Rehan's job in the last plot involved pretending to be a playboy tour guide in Delhi, but, I mean, what do I know from terrorist master plans?)

But never fear! India's chief female criminal profiler, who just showed up ten minutes late with Starbucks for an entirely separate movie where she fights terrorists and also sexism in the workplace, is on the case!

They manage to trap Rehan and his nuclear terrorist MacGuffin on a mountain ... in a blizzard ... where he by a crazy random happenstance meets up with ... ZOONI! AND HER SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD, ALSO NAMED REHAN, DUN DUN DUN.

Zooni does not recognize him, of course, because was blind for the entirety of their relationship. Zooni's dad also does not recognize him because Rehan inconsiderately skipped out to fake his own death before he could meet her parents (rude!). Rehan spends a couple of days trying to fake his identity and deny his ~*~feelings~*~ and being a dick generally to Zooni and Baby Rehan, but finally he can no longer deny the siren call of fatherhood!

REHAN: Okay, yes, FINE, I faked my own death years ago, SORRY, it's ... certainly not because I was a terrorist or anything ... ANYWAY you can CERTAINLY believe in my love now, I am ABSOLUTELY telling you the whole truth, let's get married for real!
ZOONI: .......Dad, should I say OK, or should I tell him to fuck off?
ZOONI'S DAD: I mean, I dunno, I realize he lied to you about everything and set you up for seven years of loneliness and misery, but he seems pretty legit to me. Guess you just gotta make your own decisions, Zooni!
ZOONI: I ... really want to tell him to fuck off ...

But eventually she decides to reconcile with him after all, and they get married! And have a gorgeous romantic musical sequence! And everything is beautiful! Mere Haath Mein is a gorgeous song!

I think it's time for a quick reminder that at this point in the film Rehan has murdered several hundred people.

And it's about to be several hundred and two! Because while watching the TV, Zooni's dad sees a standard news broadcast about the dangerous terrorist on the loose with his terrorist MacGuffin, identifies the terrorist MacGuffin, and drives Rehan out to their nearest neighbor's place to confront him. They fight! Rehan accidentally pushes his father-in-law off a cliff into a river!

REHAN: ....well, shit.

Then he goes and murders the neighbor, because, like, at this point, why not.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Zooni happens to look down at the river while playing with her kid in the snow and sees her father's corpse float by under the ice!

Another reminder: the first hour of this film was about Zooni's first big vacation to Delhi.

So Rehan comes home, and Zooni's like "Hey babe, where's ... Dad ..." and Rehan is like "Um, he ... went on a vacation! He'll probably be along any time now!" and Zooni, in her second-best decision in the film, is like "....HONEY I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM, BRB," collects her child, gets in the car, and BOOKS IT.

Alas, the only location to which she can book it is the nearest neighbor's house, which is now a murder house of terrorist terror. But it does have a radio, so she can call India's chief female criminal profiler, still valiantly battling terrorism and sexism in the workplace! India's chief female criminal profiler is like "Ummmm well, you're in an isolated cabin in the woods, we'll try to get there soon as we can, but ... good luck ...?"

Rehan however has been valiantly jogging along to the neighbor's house this whole time, so he manages to get there before the police.

REHAN: Baby, come on! We can work it out!
ZOONI: Look, Rehan, I realize we have an epic love and everything, but have you, I don't know, ever tried maybe not being a terrorist?
REHAN: Well, I mean, I've thought about it, but the problem with that is my grandfather would come torture all of us if I did, so...
ZOONI: You are really not doing a great job selling the softer and fuzzier side of your terrorist organization here!

Rehan grabs the Terrorist MacGuffin! Zooni pursues him out of the house! Chase scene!

Rehan, in probably his best decision of the film, thinks about shooting Zooni, but doesn't, because he loves her!

Zooni, in her best decision of the film, shoots Rehan ACTUALLY DEAD, because he's a terrorist who's going to set off a nuclear bomb in a major urban area and that is not OK!

Rehan's terrorist grandfather, who got there at some point in a helicopter, then tries to shoot Zooni, but India's chief female criminal profiler shows up in ANOTHER helicopter and shoots Rehan's terrorist grandfather instead!


In the last scene of the film, Baby Rehan is like "Mom, was my terrorist dad a bad man?" and Zooni's like "....ummmmmmmmmmmmmm....some people just believe in their beliefs as much as we believe in our beliefs....I guess...."


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Tags: bollywood, movies

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